Turning off the Dimmers

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During my post-college adult life, I think I have been doing what I can just to get by. In various work instances, I did my best without stepping on anyone’s toes. Though, I have ended up ruffling a few feathers. That’s another story for another time. But back to me just getting by. I have applied for several jobs in my life and I mean several. I have the numerous resumes, cover letters, and job search logs to prove it. I applied for jobs that I knew I was qualified for. I applied for jobs that peeked my interest. I even applied for jobs because honestly I needed a job and income.


This led me to positions where I thought I would succeed and grow within the company. Unfortunately, I feel that such experiences did the reverse. For each position, I wasn’t in a place of authority. I was an assistant or rep. This may be fitting for some, but for a natural born leader as me, the situations were frustrating. To compensate for being in lackluster positions making lackluster wages, I would always find a way to go beyond my standard duties. If I thought there was a need for slight improvement in décor, for instance, I would by framed prints or flowers to spruce up the place. There were countless times where I would spend my money to get supplies and other aids to enhance services being provided even when the department had a budget. I encouraged celebration of others and small milestones. I decided that caring for students and customers was more important than numbers.

While all of this was well and dandy externally, deep within I felt dimmed. The brilliant light that was shining in my youth was slowly diminishing as an adult. But why? I was helping others and being of service which is all I ever wanted to do. Still there was darkness consuming me. I wasn’t happy. I was discontent. The darkness was due to that there wasn’t actually room for me to grow. At some jobs, my values and ethics clashed with the priorities of the company. At another position, I was told by my supervisor that I was simply a secretary and not a doctor so I needed to stay in my place.

My light was dim because I could not fully express who I was or who I am. While I believe we all should shine our light as bright as we can, I think there is resistance by some. I don’t know the reasons except for some race consciousness around competition or the desire to have more than another. It doesn’t make sense any way you look at it. We are all lights in this world. I am a light and I refuse to treat myself like I am not because someone else may be uncomfortable. We are a part of the light of God and we are here to touch the lives of each other in beautiful ways. So, the dimmers must go. No more playing small. I know I have had enough of being dim and small. Who else is ready to live big, bold, and bright?

As always love and light,

Darnita